Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (1/10)

by Tony Medley

After what reasonably seemed like an hour, I looked at my watch and was shocked and dismayed to discover that only 15 minutes had passed. As a result, I got a glimpse of what eternity might be like in hell. I still had 2 hours 16 minutes to go! How would I ever get through it? Would I? In fact, the laws of physics were violated throughout the film. Every time I looked at my watch, and that was a lot, it seemed as if there was more time remaining than there was the time before.

I not only had to endure the same overacting by Johnny Depp (Capt. Jack Sparrow) that I had sat through in the first one in 2003, this one was even more grotesque and had less of a story (Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio and Stuart Beattie and Jay Wolpert) . I also gloomily anticipated the same time having to watch Keira Knightley (Elizabeth Swann), whom I had found dismaying in the first one. Much to my surprise, however, Knightley is one of the few redeeming features of this film. She is more beautiful in this than she has been in any of her other films, and her acting is much improved. Unfortunately, it didn’t make up for Depp, whose drunken, cowardly Captain Sparrow was funny for about the first 15 minutes in 2003, and Orlando Bloom (Will Turner, who is engaged to Elizabeth). In Bloom’s defense, Turner has no reason for being in the film. He goes on a quest to get Elizabeth out of jail, but she gets out of jail without him. This movie wouldn’t be better or worse or different without him. Well, it couldn’t be worse than it is regardless of what they did to it. It even has the same guy from 2003 still giving a bad imitation of Robert Newton as Long John Silver in “Treasure Island” (1950).

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer and Director Gore Verbinski must have searched high and low for Tom Hollander to play bad guy Lord Cutler Becket, an actor so short that the diminutive Bloom actually looked taller when they did a side-by-side two shot.

The flimsy story has a McGuffin almost as silly as the one in 2003. They are all searching for a trunk that holds the still beating heart of Davy Jones (Bill Nighy), who is the most grotesque of the freakish crew of the cursed ship, The Flying Dutchman. The film has absolutely no premise, is devoid of reason, has constant lapses of credibility, is doomed by an uninspired script (Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio) with no wit, and I quickly run out of things that I could cite as a positives.

The film is actually longer than the original, which was far too long at two hours 23 minutes. In addition to Knightley, the only other good thing I saw was a new character, Caribbean soothsayer Tia Dalma (Naomie Harris), with a delightful calypso accent. When she was on the screen, I stopped fidgeting, although I found her accent sometimes too heavy to understand.

The first hour and a half is a true horror to endure. The last hour picks up a little as the story comes cascading down to what one hopes is a final dénouement (don’t hold your breath), but in actuality is only just a setup for yet another sequel. I was absolutely exhausted when the film ended because it required such effort to sit there thoroughly besieged by what was on the screen for two hours, 31 minutes.

July 9, 2006