Yours, Mine, & Ours (2/10)

by Tony Medley

Oh, boy, yet another remake by Paramount. I thought that Sherry Lansing’s legacy would have about dried up by now, but apparently not. With at least 10,000 unsold scripts floating around Hollywood at any given moment, it is beyond me why the suits want to remake movies that were successful into a movie that is far inferior to the original. I just read a script by the daughter of one of my UCLA Sigma Nu fraternity brothers that is head and shoulders above this thing (credited to Ron Burch & David Kidd).

Then there’s Dennis Quaid. Poor Dennis has been on a run of terrible roles in terrible movies. Let’s count them: Far From Heaven (2002), The Day After Tomorrow (2004), The Alamo (2004), in all of which he played dramatic roles. Dennis is a good light comedian; he’s clearly not a dramatic actor. He had a winner in the comedy, “In Good Company” (2004). So, let’s give him credit, he tries another comedy. But poor Dennis should learn how to read. Had he read this script (just as if he had read the scripts for ‘Heaven, ‘Tomorrow, and ‘Alamo), he surely could have seen that it was a stinker. But, nooooooo. Either Dennis didn’t read it, or he wasn’t astute enough to determine that this is a bomb.

Then there is the credibility of the film. There is nothing in this movie that could actually happen in real life. Frank Beardsley (Quaid) is a Coast Guard Admiral with eight children whom he is raising responsibly. Helen North (Rene Russo) is a designer with ten children (6 adopted; since this is politically correct Hollywood, it’s racially mixed with at least one Asian and one African American) whom she is raising responsibly.

Frank and Helen meet and get married immediately without consulting their respective children. I’m sorry. This is not the way responsible people act. Anybody smart enough to be an Admiral should be smart enough to recognize that when you have eight children you don’t marry someone who has ten children just because you have one successful date.

Guess what happens next, folks? They get together and the children don’t like each other! Wow, there’s a plot surprise.

So the children, who apparently like their respective parents, get together and try to torpedo the marriage. Yeah, that’s the way loving children would act.

Naturally they have to get a bigger house and it’s bedlam. What kind of house do they get? It’s a house-lighthouse right on the beach, big enough to hold 20 people. I figure it’s worth a minimum of $5 million, given its size and location, and probably a lot more. Helen is a struggling designer. Frank is an Admiral. They can afford a $5 million dollar house?

There’s more. Frank and Helen go to a party. Just before they leave, one of Helen’s children asks if she can ask a few friends over while Frank and Helen are at the party. OK, says Helen. The result is that with no notice and no planning and no invitations, what seems like the entire teenage population of the state of Connecticut ends up at the house in the blink of an eye, including a rock band! Naturally, they trash the house, leading to the children’s hoped for result, the demise of the marriage.

But when the marriage is finally at an end, gee, the children have second thoughts. Another plot shocker, right? You couldn’t see that coming, could you?

So Frank is going off on a ship to go to Washington to become Commandant of the Coast Guard, succeeding his mentor, Commandant Sherman (Rip Torn; what’s he doing here in such a minor part?). Frank says goodbye. The kids think, we can’t let this happen. So the oldest boy goes off to try to stop Frank’s ship from sailing. Too late, Frank is already at sea, but, wait! What’s that off on the horizon? It’s a sailboat. Frank says “All Stop!” and the huge coast guard cruiser slams on the breaks. Coming alongside is a 60 foot sailboat with Frank’s son at the helm. OK, let’s stop for a second and reconnoiter. Frank goes off to his ship (leaving in a half hour he tells his children). He drives there, gets on board, and off they sail. The son waits awhile, then goes after him. But he’s not in a huge cruiser. In the space of less than an hour, he somehow locates a million dollar, 60-foot sail boat, gets a four man crew, changes into a sharp sailing outfit, and chases down the cruiser! A sailboat chases down a huge warship! Man, if we don’t get this sailboat in the next America’s Cup we’re missing a terrific opportunity.

This is just a small sampling of how preposterous this movie is. I didn’t hear anybody even chuckle until the last half hour. There was no reason to remake the 1968 Henry Fonda-Lucille Ball movie and there’s certainly no reason to go see it.

November 19, 2005