Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (1)

 Copyright © 2003 by Tony Medley


This version of Charlie’s Angels comes closer to being among the worst movies I’ve ever seen than I had ever expected, even though I had seen the dismal trailer.

 This thing is pure garbage.  It is replete with mindless violence without consequence.  There is no plot.  The acting is non-existent.  I’ve never bought into the Cameron Diaz myth (that she could act).  This thing validates it.  She’s a smile without substance. The jury was out, as far as I was concerned, on Drew Barrymore.  If she can act, she hides it here.  I have no idea who Lucy Liu is (yes, I saw Chicago, and I missed her) but if this is an example, I needn’t worry about putting her in my mind’s Rolodex.  But, to be fair, these three actresses are victimized by the writing and directing.

 Writing and Directing?  Well, nothing need be said about the script because it must have been the result of sitting 5,000 kindergarteners at computers.  Like the proverbial monkey who could end up writing Hamlet, one of them wrote this.  There is no plot. Never will you hear more junior high-schoolish double entendres (they aren’t good enough to rise to the level of sophomoric).  For example, Drew Barrymore’s real name is something like Helen Zass (I don’t remember the first name, but the last was Zass).  What followed was a bunch of “jokes” about rear ends.  Thus, you will understand if I don’t worry about commenting further on the script.  This is nothing but 105 minutes of mind-numbing violence.

 Directing?  This was directed?

 Hollywood has a lot to answer for in terms of showing violence without consequence.  There are motorcycle crashes where people get wiped out and walk away.  People are shot and walk away.  People fall hundreds of feet with no injuries.  People are hit with devastating karate kicks and chops and pop up, unscathed.  They walk through fire, unburned.  This is nothing more than a video game with breasts (none of which we see, although Liu wears a gown cut down to her naval in the closing scene; alas, we still don’t see anything).  The opening sequence is copied from the spectacular, special effects-driven, James Bond openings (James had a good start with Dr. No, From Russia With Love, and Goldfinger, then started the descent into special effects-driven drivel).  The opening of Charlie’s Angel’s is utterly absurd.

 Maybe I’m watching this on a different level.  Maybe this is a satire.  Maybe the movie has a point, that violence is…what?  This movie has no point.  

Let’s go further.  This movie is racist.  Bernie Mac is as foolish as Stepnfechit, his teeth so white you need sunglasses to look at him. His character is a bumbling caricature.  Critics complain about Amos ‘n Andy (criticism without merit, I claim), where the characters were middle class business people.  Why not this? 

 Believe it or not, John Cleese has a role in this.  Cleese is one of the great comedic talents of the age.  What’s he doing here?  His appearance in this rubbish desecrates his genius.

 I’ve gone on too long about this piece of dreck.  You’re warned.  See this at your peril.

 June 27, 2003

 The End